307 years from now, you must admit if you are honest, your beautiful fresh nipples will be decayed and completely evaporated. Let that sink in. Accept it my friends, it’s easier. There is just not much we can do about that. However, we can make them shine today. Yes, we can indeed empower our silver dollars on our chests to glow like stars. You know why? Because they are stars. Allow me to explain a little history about nipples and share with you how you can improve the shine of your fresh nipples.
First, your nipples are not ninjas, they are nipples. You can’t expect them to fight your battles for you. You see, your nipples, men and women, were engineered and built by Jesus. We all know good and well that evolution is shit, right? Yes! So, we can thus conclude that 6,001 years ago in the human lab in heaven, Jesus built the first prototype of a nipple. Originally, he called it “myuk’n€£” which in Hebrew means “titty dot.” What a good god we serve. Anyway, that’s how we got them. He just slammed them on Adam and Eve and eventually everyone else. Oh how the early peoples of earth enjoyed the nipples for sucking and pinching just like today. Glory!
So, now that you know the history, lets talk about how we make them shine:
Step 1: Floss Your Nipples
I realize that sounds odd but trust me it works wonders. Every evening right after dinner, take about 8″ of dental floss. Remove your shirt and go stand on your roof. Tie a small knot and wrap it around your left nipple. Now, tighten it. Count to 3 and then jump off your roof. Do you feel that now? Yeah you just broke something. It might be your leg or back but something is probably broken. However, look down at that left shiner. See it? Looks better, huh. That is because of Encrotysisosis. That is just a fancy word for “Nipple Panic Beauty.” That’s right. When the human body panics the nipples get even more beautiful. Awesome Jesus!
Step 2: Do the same for the right one
Step 3-7: Find 5 homeless midgets and pull one leg off each one.
Ok let me explain these steps. You are going to need the leg blood of five homeless midgets. Their blood contains Areologins. You may ask why do they have to be homeless? That’s a great question. Homeless goddamn midgets have elevated levels of Areologins because of the way trash interacts with their DNA and uselessness of the fucking dwarf ass bastards blood. So, find five of these elves and yank those damn legs off! Go ahead! Once you have them, remove all your clothes and drill 5 large holes in your chest. Make sure each hole is big enough to accommodate the five legs. Now, find five close friends that know you well and are familiar with your knee caps. Hopefully, you won’t bleed out before they get there. Ok, so give a leg to each friend. Tell them you love them and goodbye. After that, instruct them to chest fuck you with midget legs. Tell them not to stop until each leg cums out all of their Areologins. Oh sweet god damn let them go! Once each leg blows its load the leg will vanish into thin air. If by some slight chance you live through the chest fucking, you will be able to see the glowing, shimmering, shining, elaborate and dazzling fresh nipples that are cuddling on your chest. Hey, no need my friends…you are welcome!!!